The Thin Ice
by MattAShine
Summary: Kerry Weaver has a romantic crisis with Kim, and shuts herself off from her friends. One person has other ideas...
1. Default Chapter

Title: The Thin Ice

Title: The Thin Ice  
Author: Matthew Shine  
Category: JC/KW Angst  
Spoilers: Some Spoilers from "Rampage"  
Disclaimers: I don't own Carter or Weaver, NBC does.  
Archive: Yeah sure, if you're so inclined, just tell me where first  
Feedback: If you wish, just remember that I have a very fractured self-esteem.  
  
**  
  
If you should go skating, On the thin ice of modern life, Dragging behind you the silent reproach, Of a million tear stained eyes, Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice, Appears under your feet, You slip out of your depth and out of your mind, With your feet flowing out behind you, As you claw the thin ice   
  


The Thin Ice – Roger Waters  
  
***

  
Wednesday, July 25th, 2001  
Kerry Weaver's Apartment  
  


She knew that this moment had been coming for months. Just as surely as she knew the sun would rise in the morning, she could feel the lethargy of depression sneaking up on her. There was no way to stop it, at least no way that she could see. 

Just one month earlier she had been happy, at least as happy as she could be under the circumstances. She had announced to the hospital, Romano, and the rest of the world that she was a lesbian and dating a woman who loved her. Her career was nothing to sneeze at either, and she very well couldn't be fired because of sexual orientation.Life was good for Kerry Weaver, too good as she would soon find out.

Kerry had never had much happiness in her life, from the time she could remember she was forced to endure the reality that she was adopted, and then, later on in life, needed a cane. To escape her truth, she slipped into the horror of alcohol and painkillers. Yet, she had managed to turn herself around from the mistakes and made something out of her life. She was a chief in the hospital where she before had gotten no respect. Not to say that along the way there hadn't been bumps, she had been ridiculed and pushed beyond the limits on a number of occasions. There was one time when she had been used romantically to further another's ambition (that deadbeat Ellis West).

Privately, she had envied Carol and Doug, wanting what they had, a good relationship. When the cards where down and she was being completely honest with herself, for a time, her hopes for that dream rest in the arms of a certain resident who had lived in her basement. But, alas he wasn't hers.She was reminded quite harshly of this fact when she would hear that man and his girlfriend making love. 

Kim had promised what she had so desperately wanted. But the cold, hard truth was that she was not getting any younger and the more days went by that she did not start a family the less likely that family was to come about.

She knew that she was being pressured by Kim from the beginning to come out the closet and admit her feelings publicly. Contrary to what people may think, Kerry really did love Kim. So she finally gave in and told Romano to protect her love from being fired. Kim was so touched, that she had agreed to continue the relationship with Kerry.They moved in together very soon afterwards.

But on an unassuming Sunday at the end of June all of her dreams had been shattered. She had been coming home early from a very bad ache in leg and all she wanted was to have Kim hold her and banish the horrible emotional and physical pain. 

Kerry had walked inside her door and threw her coat off when she heard a noise from her bedroom, thinking it was Kim's new cat Lightning she went to go check. Once she opened the door to her bedroom she wished she had not come home early.

Lying in her bed was her Kim and another woman, a small petite blonde. As enraged as she had been she had simply walked up and tapped Kim on the shoulder with her cane and as calmly as she could told her to pack up her things and be out of her apartment in one hour or she would call the authorities. She headed for the door when she heard Kim calling her.

"Kerry, wait up." Kim called.

"What do you want?How about finishing the job off with a steak knife?" Kerry asked

"Kerry, I'm sorry.It just happened…"

"Just HAPPERNED?I was prepared to live with you and love you.What was all of that SHIT about 'just you and me'?I came out for you and now I get this.You now have 55 minutes"

Kim tried to apologize, but Kerry just stormed out to her car and took off.When Kerry did return, Kim was no longer there, but there was a note on her kitchen table saying that she was sorry and that maybe they could try to patch things up.The not also explained that she would be back later to pick up the rest of her clothes.

Kerry just snorted.She took the note and was about to throw it away when an idea came to her.Kerry walked to the bedroom and gathered Kim's clothes and that damn note and put them into a metal trash can.Kerry than added some more of Kim's things and put in lighter fluid to make sure everything was perfect.The fire and smoke could be seen many blocks away.

________________________________________________________________________  
  


In just two hours the life of Kerry Weaver had been turned upside down, and this time she wasn't sure if she could regain control.As long as she had her booze, things would look better.

As she sat on her couch that night, she decided two things, one she most definitely needed a new bed and two; she would not let anyone at the hospital see her like this. She knew the group at County were her friends and loved them deeply but she didn't want to burden them any more than she already had.

They all had lives, good, happy lives that didn't include a depressed cripple. There was one that wasn't so happy, but surely John had found someone else by now.She would just have to keep all of her emotions under lock and key, not let anyone know that she was hurting.

If they asked, she would simply say that she and Kim no longer wanted the same things and there would be no further contact between them on either personally or professional basis. It wasn't the whole truth but she wasn't lying either. She just couldn't take the stares and whispers and the pity they would all feel for poor Dr. Weaver. No, she didn't need anything or anyone at all.

She didn't want to think about the feeling of betrayal and loss she was feeling. Thinking about it, Kerry realized that she was more upset about what Kim's betrayal meant rather than the fact that she had done it and the feeling of loss was not due to the departure of the female, but more for the loss of the future that seemed so certain only a scant few days before. What would become of her now that she had lost the one thing capable of giving her what she wanted?

The next week had passed by in a flurry of new reports and new and interesting medical cases. She hadn't had time to sleep let alone stop and think about her problems. Either no one had noticed the lack of communication between her and Kim, or they had simply chosen not to comment. She was glad for this because she knew if she had to endure the stares of pity that would be tossed her way she would crack.

She managed somehow to put on a brave front and not allow the others to see her pain. She managed to appear rested because of her liberal use of sleeping pills that she had prescribed herself to fight the insomnia that would occasionally plague her. Make-up and a very fake but well acted smile completed the shield that she put around her.

She had decided in the course of the week that she would never allow anyone to get too close because in the end she was always the one hurt. There was only so much that the human heart and spirit could endure and Dr. Kerry Weaver was nearing the end of a very short rope. The cloud of pain that always seemed to be around her now was almost suffocating. She was losing herself in the feelings of pain and hurt that she was in denial about having in the first place. She didn't know how to rescue herself from the dark place she was now finding herself and truthfully didn't know if she wanted to escape.

She had been in a place similar to this years ago after the fatal stabbing of Lucy Knight and the almost fatal stabbing of John Carter.Being the one who had found them, she was particularly disturbed.She was drinking to escape, to feel free of the pain that had been inflicted on her and her friends for years. She knew that night that she was lost in the misty haze of alcoholism and that she couldn't save herself. What saved her before was actually Carter.By virtue of just being there, not dying, and not acting like if was her fault, she pulled herself out.

Carter was now emotionally MIA.After she, Mark, and the rest had given him that wretched 'group attack,' Carter had never fully forgiven her.She didn't need to be forgiven, at least that's what she told herself.She told herself that not only did she need nobody but that she didn't need to be rescued either. She realized that she was mildly depressed but didn't see her condition for what it was. Of course, because of a spectacular acting job at work no one else knew it either. 

She was always on guard, making sure the thin veneer stayed in place at all times and she didn't let anyone see inside her carefully projected armor. She had worked for years to open up to the people around her. When she first started at County, she had been closed off and allowed people to only see the hard-assed image she presented. But little by little she had allowed the people working at the hospital into her world, befriending them and becoming like a family.None so much as Carter

Slowly, so that no one else would notice, she had once again closed herself off from everyone. She had appeared to be the same drill-sergeant that everyone knew but she allowed less and less to penetrate her wall. She was slowly sinking into an all-consuming darkness and for the first time in her life Kerry didn't have the strength or will to pull herself out.


	2. The Thin Ice, Pt. 2

*******

*******  
  
Monday, July 16th, 2001  
John Carter's Apartment   
North of County General Hospital  
  


He had sat by and watched Kerry disappear from the lives of those around her for a month now. He knew that she believed that no one saw how upset she was, but he saw it. Although they had not been as close in the last year or so as they had been previously he still paid careful attention.

He watched her when she and others didn't realize what he was doing.It was something that had developed out of many months of sharing living space.He knew immediately when she walked into a room. Even though people like Dr. Ross would laugh at this, to Carter having Kerry Weaver walk into a room made the space a little…brighter, but lately it was as though the brightness was gone and now he could barely detect the presence of Dr. Weaver despite her physical proximity.

He had noticed that day in late June when she had come into work with eyes that were not only puffy but had dark circles under them and with not a word to Kim who was trying to engage in a conversation with Kerry.

His immediate reaction was to go and talk to her, but that was before he realized that they no longer had that type of relationship. He would see glimmers of their former friendship every once in a while when they would do rounds together or eating dinner together, but Carter knew she would only order him to mind his own business whenever he would push a bit to hard for her liking, and be on her way.

This time, Carter figured that it would be best to not press her; he knew that if she needed and wanted to talk she would eventually make her way to him. At least he hoped she would. So he had stood silently by and watched one of the people he cared about most in the world suffer knowing there was nothing he could do about it.

He was still dealing with the deep feelings of guilt that he had caused more than a year before. She had found him and Lucy after that psychotic bastard Paul stabbed them.Traveling deep into the recesses of his memory, Carter also remembered his want for something to happen between them while they lived together.He would have loved to get Kerry in that respect, but he was afraid to open up his heart for her to see. 

Resigning to the fact that he didn't have her in his arms, Carter was actually considering himself lucky.There was no man in Kerry's life that he would have to see and perhaps compete with.Even as the rumors of a Kerry Weaver relationship with a woman started to fly, Carter actually believed that he was in no danger of losing her. But then came the day that he had heard that Kerry had announced to the hospital that she was a lesbian and in love with Dr. Kim Legaspi.

Carter sighed inwardly.He was happy for her; Kerry had finally found someone whom she was willing to damage her career for, someone who she was willing to sacrifice for and someone who would do likewise.As much as it pained him, Carter knew that he was out in the cold as far as Dr. Weaver and romance was concerned.

His reprieve from fate had come in late June, when news hit the ER that Kerry was suddenly single again due to, what was that again, 'irreconcilable differences' with Kim.Carter was as sad for Kerry as he was happy for himself, but since then he had been confused as well.How to handle the situation?Outwardly, Kerry acted as though nothing was wrong, and in fact to everyone but him she appeared to be normal, as normal as one can be when such an important relationship is suddenly broken.

He had seen her more than once staring out of the window of her office into the beautiful summer days with an expression of profound sadness etched deep in her face. For the first time since he had known her, Kerry looked her age. She looked better than this after that chemical spill had her down and out.Gone was the sparkle and hint of mischief in her eyes before making a comment that would send resident and attending alike scurrying for their lives and jobs. It was replaced with a look of dull acceptance. 

But it was not only her eyes that worried him. She had lost weight, if that was possible.Her hair was dull and sometimes appeared unwashed instead of the sleek way she normally styled it. Her clothes had appeared winkled more often than not now. He knew he was losing her but he didn't know what to do.All Carter knew was that he was going to have to act fast.

How was he going to manage to reconnect to Kerry now that she had slipped so far away from him? He had tried before and failed miserably. 

John still didn't know why this was such a problem.He himself had many romantic problems.Abby Lockhart seemed a nice candidate, but Luka would have his head on a silver platter for that.

The more that he thought about it the more he realized that it was time to let go and bare his feelings, neither of them were getting any younger and now that he had the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with he had to muster the courage to go and talk to her.What if she didn't want him? But the loudest objection was is this the right time. Her breakup with Kim was a fresh wound and going to her right now could damage their relationship even further than it was now.

He berated himself for his cowardice in the face of this challenge. How in the world could telling Kerry Weaver he loved her possibly push her further away? But he knew why. Kerry had the same look on her face that she had when she had come to County. Haunted by her past, and plagued by the inner demons that told her she wasn't worth anything with her age and crutch.

That same look was in her eyes again. She looked so lost and dejected and like she doesn't have a friend in the world. He also knew why she hadn't been reaching out to anybody. Part of it was her pride; she had too much pride and dignity to ask anyone for help. Another part was that she didn't feel she was worth of any help. 

It was time for him to take action. He couldn't let her slip any further into the darkness than she already was. He had to make Kerry trust him again. Make her see that others cared for her and wanted to help her.

Carter sat down and started to formulate a plan for telling her how he felt.A plan that would end with both of their lives being better.


	3. The Thin Ice, Pt. 3

***

***  
Saturday, August 4th, 2001  
Kerry Weaver's Apartment  
  


Kerry sat staring out into the darkness of the hot Chicago summer night not knowing that John Carter was standing on the other side of her door unsure of how to go about this. Did he simply talk to her straight and ask her what the hell was going on? Or did he dance around the issue until she was ready to open up?He had a plan, but right now that plan seemed to have the structural integrity of a sand castle with waves hitting it.

Kerry was startled out of her whiskey glass by a knock at the door. There was only one person who would show up at her door at this time of night because there was only a hand full of people who knew where she lived and only one had stopped by without calling first.Her armor had major chinks in it and she knew that he would try to worm his way under it and into her mind.

"Go away Carter, I don't want to see you right now."Kerry snapped with a very slurred voice.

"Sorry Dr. Weaver, but I'm not leaving."Carter countered knowing that she must be very tipsy by now.

Kerry considered her options.She knew that Carter could be very stubborn when he wanted to be.In all likelihood, she would probably find him out there still waiting for her when she has her next shift.Finally, Kerry relented."Fine, whatever come in, I'm going to bed."

The door opened and before he closed it he heard the slam of her bedroom door and the click of the lock. She knew what he had come over for and she had no intention of hearing it. She wasn't yet ready to accept the pity love that Carter was intending to give.

"John, I'm tired. Why don't you go home and we'll talk later?"Kerry almost pleaded."I have a bad headache right now and… we'll talk later."

"You know, it's always later with us and I'm getting tired of it."John snapped back at her, knowing that she was going to be a very tough wall to break down.

"Your tired of it? You wanted this conversation when I evicted you, or don't you remember that? Or do my words and my heart mean so little that you've already forgotten?"Kerry yelled, despite her head's pounding request for her not too.

"Kerry, how could I forget the single biggest mistake we've ever made?I now realize that I have always wanted something…else… with you."Carter asked, the end part being a mere whisper.

"Well I'm happy for you. But, I don't care about any revelations that you have been having about us.I have a life and you, John Carter have no stake in it."

With the words ringing in his ears he heard her slump against the door and start to cry. John Carter had felt guilt before, when Lucy died, when Dennis had committed suicide, and when he would lose a child for apparently no reason, but all the guilt he had ever felt in his life paled in comparison to how he felt at this moment. He knew that this was going to be hard, but he had never imagined that she would reject him like this. He knew she was feeling bad but he no idea how bad. Why did he ever think that all it would take would be a few pretty words and she would fall into his arms and all would be right in the world?

"Kerry, I have no idea what you're feeling right now, but please talk to me. You've helped me so many times before and now it's my turn, please.Christ, you saved my life with that intervention, and I KNOW that you still beat yourself up over that. Giving me a place to live after I got fired from that dorm job was just the first of many great things you have done for me."

The only sound that came from behind the closed door was the muffled sound of sobbing. He didn't know if she couldn't hear him through the haze of her pain or if she simply chose to ignore him.

"Listen Dr. Weaver, I can't sit here and listen to you cry, it hurts too much. I'm going to leave now like you wanted. But please Kerry; if you don't talk to me then please talk to someone. Talk to Mark, Jeanine, I don't care, just please don't hold all of this in. I just want you to know that I… care. I'm leaving now."

After this, all Kerry Weaver heard was the door quietly shut and realized that John was gone. Why did he have to do this now? Now, when she was feeling her lowest? She knew that all he wanted to give her was his pity and that she couldn't handle.Kerry knew that Carter wasn't offering real love.

Still, she wondered why her feelings for him were still so strong for him after all this time. Why did she still have to love him after everything they had done to each other? Kerry stood up and staggered to her bed and pulled the covers over her frail, shaking body.

She still couldn't believe Carter's words to her.God, she kicked him out of her house first, neglected him after Lucy and he's stabbing, and then sent him packing to Atlanta in the most impersonal way imaginable.Kerry wanted to find a man that would tell her that which Carter just did.Not for the first time in her life Dr. Kerry Weaver wondered if she was even meant to be happy. This was her last thought before falling into a restless sleep.  
  



	4. The Thin Ice

2 Days Later

2 Days Later  
County General

Chicago  
  


Instead of looking better after some sleep as he anticipated she would, John noticed that Kerry looked even worse. She had apparently given up and quit trying to hide the deep black circles under her eyes and the paleness of her skin. He knew that something had to give. He wasn't willing to allow her to lose herself when there were so many people around her that cared for her. 

He also knew that right now she couldn't see past her own suffering to all the people that cared for her.Mark Greene had even noticed and had called Carter into his office to question him about it. John had covered for her and said that she was stressed over losing a young child and the departure of Kim from her life and the hospital recently and that was all.

Although he had a fear that she would react like a cornered animal and attack him Carter knew he had to confront Kerry and do something to help her. He knew for a fact that she was working a double and so was he, so he made a tenuous plan to talk to her after everyone else had left.  
  
Several Hours Later  
  


The only people in the ER besides him were a small group of nurses at the station.There were no more patients and things were very quiet indeed.Carter casually asked the group if they had seen Kerry.They directed him to Trauma Room Three.Carter entered the room a bit scared.There was only one small light on over one of the beds and in that bed Kerry Weaver laid crying.

In the light of the small light she looked like a ghost. The sight of her looking so small and vulnerable broke his heart once again. But he knew if she even saw a hint of pity in his eyes she would run.Deciding that he had better be the first to talk to her, Carter spoke up."Dr. Weaver, we've been here for hours, you want to go to Doc Magoo's and get something to eat?"

"No, Carter I'm not hungry" was Kerry's terse reply.

"You, not hungry, boy something must really be wrong. Kerry I have seen you cook.You must like to eat.Please I'm begging you to talk to me. What's going on? You look like your going to disappear any second."

The whispered response was nearly enough to break both office protocol and their own personal rules about touching. 

"What if I want to disappear?" Kerry squeaked.

Instead of replying, John simply stood there by the gurney and let her know in no uncertain terms that she was going to talk to him and tell him what was going on. Kerry had briefly thought of lying to him but then decided against it.

"I'm sure that you heard that Kim Legaspi and I are no longer together."

"So they say, I take it there's more to this story that people are saying." John asked almost a bit afraid of what was to come.

"Well, what they aren't saying is that I came home to find Kim in bed with someone she used to date years ago when I came home.After giving her time to get out I found a letter that said he had no intention of hurting me, that it just happened between them and it would never happen again.She promised that it would never happen again, but how can I…believe her?Last I heard, she quit from the hospital and moved back in with her."

John's heart broke. This is exactly what he hadn't wanted to hear."Oh, Kerry…"

"Don't oh Kerry me. I don't want your pity. That's why I didn't tell you or anybody else in the first place."Kerry snapped.This was going as bad as she had feared.

"I don't want to give you pity."Carter responded evenly.

"No, I don't want to ever hear mention of the name of Kim Legaspi ever again. It's just that I should have known that something like this was going to happen. I am not meant for happiness and this is just one more thing that proves it."Kerry said as she broke down in tears.She was about to tell John to leave her alone when John spoke before her.

"How can you say that? After everything you've been through in your life, happiness is all that you deserve. It's not your fault. And why Kim or anybody else give up someone as brilliant and beautiful as you is beyond me. If you were mine…"

When he stopped he realized what he had just said. Wondering if he had crossed the line, he looked into Kerry's face and saw the tears running down her face.Carter was petrified that he had made her feel even worse if that was conceivable.

"Kerry…Dr. Weaver, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry if I upset you."Carter said, trying to undo the damage.

"Did you mean what you said? That you think I deserve happiness? You… you think I'm beautiful?Even with this…thing?"She asked looking at her crutch with disgust.

"Yes, I meant it. Damn, Kerry you've survived so much in your life. Don't let anybody, man or woman, do this to you. People are crazy not to see what's right in front of them. You are so much more than you know. You mean so much to me, you're my world and I… I love you."

He felt her finger on his lips and looked hopefully into her eyes.Her eyes asking the questions that her mouth couldn't.Carter spoke before she had a chance to.

"Just take your time. Get your head together and start over again. I'm here and we will listen to each other and not just see and hear what we want to."

Holding her wrist, Kerry began "John, you're such a special person. I made a mistake a year ago by kicking you out. I don't know if you walked away thinking that I didn't want to be friends anymore, but that wasn't what I meant." 

Kerry noticed the sudden look of depression that came over John's face.

"John, what is it?"

Carter spoke carefully, believing that this was the right time to let her know the truth.

"Kerry, I want this to come out right, so I must be very careful.Kerry, I don't want to be friends with you."Kerry looked shocked before John continued."Kerry I love you in a way that is not entirely friendship.I know that you have discovered something about yourself that excludes me, but…"

"Well, Dr. Carter I think that came out just fine. I want you to hear me right now, so there are no misunderstandings later ok. I feel the same way as you do. I need you and your strength more than you know. But right now isn't the time for us. I have some things that I need to work through and although you can help, I have to do this for myself. I want to see what we have between us, see if it leads where I think it will go. But I warn you; it's not going to be easy. You have way too much power to break my heart and we both need to work on talking to each other. Right now, I need you to understand that there are still things that stand in between us right now, but I promise you that soon it'll be our time."

"I know Kerry, just know that I'm here for you and that I'll be waiting when you're ready. For right now, I'm going to be your friend and stand by your side."  
"One more thing John, would you like to over to Magoo's and get something to eat?"

***

Thursday, July 4, 2002

A Catholic Church, Chicago

12:45 pm

It was a truly wonderful day.The sun was shining brightly down on the outer edges of Chicago and the heat, although hovering around 100 degrees, was much more bearable as the humidity was so low.

On this day, a gigantic marble church was the object of the sunlights affection.The seemingly hundreds of people occupying the church were fidgeting uncomfortably; the collective body heat transferred amongst them was causing an irritating stench to rise to the ceiling fans above.

Mark Greene was watching the happenings in front of him, still not believing what was going on.Everything was fine a mere year ago.Then it just sort of started happening.Strange, private conversations first, then odd looks began.Rumors were abound, but he had learned that rumors were normally nothing…but Mark also knew that rumors also normally held at least a molecule of truth.

Doug Ross was having similar thoughts.Poor Carter.He was watching a funeral for one of his friends.He never wanted to have it happen like this.Ross looked at Weaver, as the tears poured down her face.She was so…what was that word?Oh yeah, happy!

"By the power vested in me by the state of Michigan, I now pronounce you man and wife.You may now kiss the bride.Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. and Mrs.

John Truman Carter."The priest said with the entire marble church erupting into applause.

Mark and Doug looked at each other briefly, Mark with Lizzie and Doug with Carol.Mark had remembered marrying Elizabeth like this, of course it wasn't raining today, and John had made it on time.Of course, something's very important things were the same, like the bride being with child.

"John Carter I can't believe that you got me a gold plated crutch for this," Kerry Ann Weaver Carter said looking at her new husband before they kissed again while walking down the aisle, caressing him with her right hand on the shoulder and her 6 week pregnant stomach with the left.Her and John's child.Her and John's future.


End file.
